Insecurities
Happy Friday my dears! I hope everyone has had a lovely first week of Fall. It’s my favorite time of year and I am trying to savor every bit of the weather while it’s nice. (Of course today it’s raining, but oh well.) Best things about fall to me are baggy sweats, comfort food, bon fires, cool crisp mornings and evenings, and the list goes on and on.
Jumping right in, if the title doesn’t give away the topic of today’s blog post, then I’m not sure I can help you. It’s about…wait for it… being insecure. Whew! That was tough! Insecurity has been something I’ve dealt with at different parts of my life. You know, awkward pre-teen years, then teenage years, then young adult. Now I’m more of an adultier-adult and still have insecurities. I totally didn’t think this would still be an issue for me, but here we are. I think it’s * probably * normal for most people, but I’m not most people so who knows.
When I tend to think of someone being insecure, I automatically think about looks or appearance, but this is not always the case. Although I do have some insecurities with my weight and body, more frequently I have issues with feeling wanted around others. Even in my own “tribe” I tend to feel like an outsider. Many times, I feel like I am dragging others down, or not a fun person to be around. Am I a desirable person? Would others want and appreciate my company? This is hard for me. I think I seem pretty outgoing in person, but I have real setbacks.
After talking with a dear friend (you know who you are), I do feel like this is partially my anxiety. Creating false scenarios in my head, filling my mind with un-truths about what people may think or say about me. I really try to rationalize this feeling and want to figure out where the root of this is? Do I feel as though I am not good enough? Do I feel as though I let others down? Am I overbearing? Am I too clingy? Do I try too hard or not hard enough? These thoughts and feelings weigh me down over time and then come bubbling to the surface. Then I have a good old-fashioned cry-sesh/pity party and start over. It’s about damn time I broke this cycle.
If you have ever heard of an Enneagram Test - I am your basic #2. I am overly sensitive. I am a listener. I am a giver. I am a doer. A ball of feelings. A people pleaser if there ever was one. This can be good in ways, but a lot of it seems like a downfall to me. I think I try and overdo it for others around me to give myself a sense of belonging but also because I truly enjoy helping others. The thing is, when I don’t get that feedback in return, my feelings get hurt. People are simply different. The world can’t be all #2’s and that’s okay. That’s how God made us. Regardless, it’s one of my many struggles. If you have never taken an Enneagram test, I challenge you to. It really shows you your true personality traits and the do’s and don’ts for you and others too. I found it really interesting.
This whole “journey to thirty” has really made me take a closer look at myself. While I want to be liked/loved/involved/included/wanted/whatever… I more importantly want to be happy with me and to stop questioning everything about myself. I have so much to work on within myself and that will probably always be the case. Never stop trying to improve. But life isn’t perfect and neither am I. Never can or will be. Instead of worrying about if someone else approves of me or likes me, I need to approve of me first. You all have heard the quote “What others think about you is none of your business.” I guess there is some truth to that. Your only business is your own and that is what needs to be focused on. Period.
With all that being said, here’s to another week of grinding hard. To making life a better place to be. To loving yourself and not worrying about what others say, think, or do. DO IT FOR YOU, BOO!
Hugs, Kisses, Feelings and other stuff... Alexis