Them Daggum Dogs - Comedic Relief

Pictured: Tank and Anna Kate 2019

Good Evening Ladies and Gents, and welcome to the joke that is my life. I wanted to give you a laugh - not the norm, so I hope you enjoy and it starts your week out nicely.

I have a dog, a black lab mix named Tank who just turned 8 years old in May. Tank was mine and Cameron’s first “baby” although we aren’t sure who the daddy is. Last night, Tank had a sleepover with his “Uncle” Otis. Otis is also a black lab mix who actually belongs to my in-laws. Unfortunately, my in-laws had to put down Otis’s best friend Milo, a white and brown shepherd mix, a couple weeks ago due to old age and some health issues. That’s why we had a sleep over. Otis has been really down in the dumps ever since Milo left and he needed some cheering up.

My in-laws brought Otis over on their golf cart in the late part of the afternoon when the sun was still shining but it was finally starting to cool down some. Otis has this deep hatred for the heat and would much rather be in the snow than the farm on a July afternoon. As soon as he got to our house, he waddled up on the back porch and laid his head right next to the fan and the water bowl. Now my pup Tank also enjoys the luxuries of the AC, but he will go wondering off and play in the woods or the creek, or he will venture down to my mom and dads, and visit their entourage of dogs that keep guard around the yard and garage. Tank also enjoys sneaking snacks because the doggy door is always open and the food bowls are free rein.

Tank came back from gorging himself at my parents and Otis was still pretty well passed out on the back porch - but it was getting late and we told my in-laws if Otis wanted to stay with Tank overnight to see how he would do, that would be fine. I mean he’s nearly 15 years old, and Tank is 8… how much could they really do in one night? Well let’s just say they might be long in the tooth but that didn’t stop them from keeping us up all night long.

The first time I was woken up, the clock read 2:30 AM. Woken up to what you ask? Vigorous licking of ones genitals. Tank usually migrates from our couch to a bed in our room and doesn’t make *too much fuss. Well tonight it sounded like a cow trying to lick the last bit out of a peanut butter jar. If you don’t have pets, then you may not know, but it is a truly disgusting sound. Somewhere between dry heaving and nails scraping on the chalk board. I finally shoo Tank out of our room and into the living room with Otis - there now back to bed.

WRONG. 3:00 AM and I hear the heaviest panting/breathing I’ve ever heard. I jerk awake and look at Cameron thinking that maybe he’s had some sort of crazy nightmare, or maybe he’s sick. He’s sound asleep. What the hell is that noise?? Umm, that would be 15 year old Otis panting like he’s just ran a marathon, except he’s laying spread eagle on his belly on the hard wood floor, as close to the air vent as he can get. I pet his head, thinking maybe he really is hot, but dang we keep the air on 68 in our house. Mama don’t like the heat either you see. After a few minutes he seems to settle down and I crawl back in bed thinking “what in the world else!?”.

See that’s the one thing you shouldn’t ask. “What else?” Don’t ask it, because there’s gonna be something else. I hear whimpering. It’s Otis. He whimpers for a second more and then I hear him huff and flop back down. I wait. Whimpers. I roll out of bed, open the front door and off he goes. I’m standing there thinking “I’ll just have to let him right back in, might as well go pee. I go to the bathroom and check the door, no Otis. Okay… well he’s not at his house, I sure hope he didn’t get lost. I go in the kitchen and make me a snack and wait a couple more minutes. Finally I see him at the door and let him back in. Okay, back to bed.

30 minutes later… we are now somewhere between 4-4:30 AM. What do I hear? Whimpering. “OH MY GOSHHH WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE DAMN DOGS?!” Cameron jerks awake, “what’s wrong?”… Oh I don’t know, I’ve just spent the better part of 2 hours tending to these two ding dongs. Cameron rolls out of bed, lets Tank out and then eventually back in. Otis comes in our room and pants for a while and then in the distance I can hear more vigorous licking from the living room. I roll over and look at Cameron and sigh. “I am tired and annoyed and I don’t know what’s wrong with them daggum dogs but I’m gonna blog about our pet sleepover from hell tomorrow.” Cameron chuckled and said “Okay dear, you do that.”

Hope ya’ll have a great start to your week - much love and don’t let the pups keep you up.

Alexis