A Need to be Needed

Good Evening Friends - I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for everyone who has messaged, texted, commented, shared, or given any other sort of support to me while starting this blog. I would have never imagined so many people would share their own personal experiences or advice with me and I am truly grateful.

I had trouble deciding what I wanted to discuss, because even though I have a lot of topics, nothing “felt right”. After having a crummy couple of days, I decided I would write about what has been eating at me, maybe you can relate. I have a tendency of being rather sensitive and usually wear my feelings on my sleeve for the world to see. Shocking.. I know. Motherhood has made me soft. Okay, I’ve always been soft.

As some of you know, my sister Caitlyn and brother-in-law Cody had the most beautiful baby girl in February. Sutton Rae is literally a “Rae” of sunshine and has brought so much love and laughter into our lives. While Caitlyn was pregnant, I had this sort of big sister mentality that I needed to be right there. I needed to help her. I needed to prepare her for what I went through. I needed to be needed. This would somehow “prove” my love to her as a sister.

Fast forward and it’s now July. My youngest sister Miranda and my brother-in-law Sawyer are now expecting a sweet baby girl, Emerson Page who is due in December. Big sis feelings and duties come piling in like before, and for whatever reason I have this sense of duty as the oldest to be there for every single thing. Except this time, Caitlyn is there also and has just gone through a pregnancy of her own. She and Miranda are now and have always been very close. This has drawn them together even more, all the while I’ve felt out. I don’t feel needed.

NOW - this is not in any way shape or form an attack on my sisters, or a pity party so just get that out of your head. After discussing my issue with my youngest sister Miranda and then later with Caitlyn, they both reassured me that they are not trying to exclude me or our sister Abby in any way shape or form. I let those feelings of resentment and bitterness build up and I was ugly to Miranda and she did not deserve that. For someone like me, I need that reassurance. I need that affirmation. As much as I hate to admit it, I sometimes need that pat on the back. When I say I hate that about myself, I mean it. I wish I weren’t needy. But I am.

I, for whatever reason I tend to measure my self-worth or the love others show to me if they seem to need me. If they need me to help them. If they need me to talk to them. If they need a hug. If they need advice. That’s a huge insecurity of mine. And yes, that’s what it boils down to is insecurity. My insecurities build and end up taking me down a path of “Am I good enough?”, “Do they want me around?”, “What more can I do?”.

Miranda made a statement during our discussion that struck me and I’m actually a little teary thinking about it now.. but she said “I don’t love you because you are my Big Sister”. She said more after that, but that’s the thing that really sat with me. She loves me because we are sisters, because she knows I would be there for her at the drop of a hat, because she and ALL of my sisters hold my heart in their hands. Well damn, now I really am crying. My sister Caitlyn is a mother hen/alpha type. Even being the oldest, I go to Caitlyn for approval and advice. She makes me laugh and was my very first friend. My sister Abby came into my life 10 years ago after her mother passed away. She completes our family and is as much my sister as the other two. Abby will let me vent and complain to her and then we tell each other horribly vulgar and morbid jokes to make ourselves feel better. Also she knows way too much now! Then there’s Miranda, our little “brother” Randy. She has the biggest heart and is quick with a joke. She’s fierce and creative and goofy all rolled into one. There is never a dull moment if Rick/Randy/Miranda is around.

They don’t need me to be anything but me. They love me for me. They love me because I’m Alexis, not because of what I can give them or do for them. Not because I’ve been there, done that or because I’m oldest and wisest. (Yes, it is true that I am)

I’ve somewhat worried about this blog, and hoped that it would never come across as “need for attention” or “pat me on the back” because that is the furthest thing from what I want. Feeling needed is important, helping others is important, but fulfilling God’s plan is most important and I hope that I am doing exactly what He is calling me to do.

If you tend to be a needy soul like me, if you need validation, approval, reassurance, pats on the back for whatever reason - just know that you are more than what you can offer. You are not measured in how much you know, or how much you have, or how much you can do for others. It doesn’t work that way. God created us for a purpose, for His purpose- not for ours or anyone else’s.

My prayer tonight is that if you struggle with your purpose, that you will seek God and ask Him to reveal that to you.

All the love and feels tonight friends,

Alexis