Lessons from Pam
A little background for those of you who may not know, but my sister Abby (my second middle sister) is adopted. Abby came into my life over 10 years ago, but after her mother Pam died, she came to live with us. Pam was diagnosed about 4 years prior to her death with stage 3 melanoma. It eventually spread throughout her body and she died on August 22nd, 2010. This blog post is not about her death, but the life she lived and WOW did she live!
To know Pam was to love her. She had this charisma, this charm that anyone and everyone loved. It didn’t make you jealous because she was that wonderful of a person. You didn’t necessarily want to be Pam, but you wanted to be a part of her. She glowed from the inside out and you wanted her light to warm you up. Her heart was as big as the ocean. Her facial expressions are part of what made her personality so grand; her laugh a close second. Pam had this amazing capability of taking any situation, any bad circumstance and making fun of it.
Cancer had nothing on this woman. It didn’t stop her. It didn’t defeat her. It rarely ever got her down at all. One of the biggest lessons learned from Pam (and she didn’t realize she was teaching me) was that attitude is everything. She chose joy. She chose to smile. She chose to joke about all the inappropriate things. She made cancer her B*TCH. I remember the night she had her hair shaved off. We cheered her on as she let my dad shape her existing hair into a mohawk. She thought it was hysterical- Abby sort of sulked, but understandably so. That night we ate, drank, and laughed together as one big family.
That brings me another point turned valuable lesson from Pam… family is number one, but it doesn’t necessarily mean its blood. Pam’s family didn’t live in North Carolina - they were scattered about up north. The friends that she made in North Carolina became her family and her support. My mom became remarkably close with Pam and the bond that they shared, I believe, ultimately determined why Abby came to live with us. It wasn’t a sympathy thing. She could have gone to live with her family in Rhode Island, but something special had been created between my mom and Pam. Kind of like a sisterhood that eventually spread throughout our entire family. I remember questioning why God would want to take away such a bright light from this world. Why? It wasn’t fair. Sure as hell wasn’t fun. Funny how God works though - because he gave me another sister. Abby became my sister when she was 16, and I learned how much our family needed her to be complete. Blood or no blood, she’s it. She made us whole. Pam gave me one of the greatest gifts I could have ever asked for. A sister. A friend. An aunt to my future daughter. So yes, while I wish so badly that Pam could be here to see Abby and watch her life now, I must be a little selfish and say I couldn’t imagine life without my Abs now.
Anyone who knew Pam knew these few things about her. Cooking and eating are one of life’s greatest pleasures! ENJOY IT! You can never go wrong with a good cheese and cracker tray. Also - wine makes everything better. 19-year-old me took that last one a little extreme and I would tend to wake up with a raging headache after a night at Pam’s, but the food and good company always made it worth it. Once upon a time I wanted to be a chef or a baker and really thought my career would go that way. I would watch Pam create these wonderful dishes - always using her best cookware and dishes for her guests. It didn’t matter if it was Christmas Day or just another Tuesday night. She had a rule that she got from her mother - “No commercials at the table!” That meant that we weren’t going to eat hamburgers with a bottle of Heinz Ketchup and a jar of Mt. Olive pickles on the table. Everything had a dish; yes, even the condiments! It was prepared neatly and made you feel like you were eating somewhere special.
Pam’s sense of humor was unlike anyone else I had ever met. Basically, nothing was off-limits. Abby has this sense of humor now - and I love it. It just goes along with one of my favorite sayings, “If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry.” Funny story- Pam was on a rowing team where they would race long boats. The team she was on was all women who had cancer. Well, one of the ladies of the team found out that she didn’t have breast cancer and became kind of snooty because “everyone on this team has breast cancer.” Pam gave her a big smile and said, “What? Is my cancer not good enough for your team? Not cancer-y enough? Am I gonna make you lose because I only have melanoma?” She was savage and didn’t skip a beat. She would crack jokes about all the disturbing things we could do with her ashes after she was cremated. Like mix her in some paint and spread her on the walls of her house. Or the fact that if she could she would try to come back and haunt us all. She taught us that it’s okay not to take things so seriously. Especially yourself.
All in all, Pam was one of the most influential people in my life. A lady of the “here and now”. She lived and enjoyed each moment in each day just as it came. How amazing is it that her life was shorter than so many others, yet she’s left behind an amazing legacy? I see her when I look at my sister Abby - the facial expressions are freakishly similar. I can smell her and her house every time I smell lemon grass or eucalyptus. I think about her when I think of flowers and butterflies and how she loved to visit Daniel Stowe Botanical Gardens. Whenever we make our version of a charcuterie board, I laugh and think Pam’s would be 10x better than this. She told us that dimes are from heaven and every time we find one, we text each other and say, “Pam was here”. Ten years have gone by now. Sometimes it seems like it’s flown by. Other times it feels as if it’s been a lifetime. She may not be here in body, but she’s here with us in spirit. She’s given us little pieces of her soul that will stay with us forever - and for that, I am thankful.
Forever grateful for you - Alexis
““Remember everyday to pray to God and thank Him. Our trials in life become our greatest lessons.” ”