Intrusive Thoughts
Happy Monday (if there is such a thing) and welcome! I hope that you have all had an enjoyable weekend and are starting this week off on a good note. If you are “back-to-schooling/teaching”, I am praying for you and hope these first weeks back aren’t too hectic and you find your groove.
SO- I have been completely avoiding this topic for many reasons. It’s scary. It’s uncomfortable. It’s a little dark. Nobody likes to read about depressing things. I don’t want to be viewed as “crazy” or “unstable”. If any of this is a trigger for you - go ahead and hop off the loco train for today. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I don’t want anyone to view me differently. I definitely don’t want to depress or upset anyone. The ONLY reason I’ve decided to post this topic is in great hopes to help someone else going through a similar situation and to show them that there is HOPE!
What is an intrusive or invasive thought? I’m not trying to look up definitions right now so my version will have to suffice, but it’s basically how it sounds. It’s a thought that pops into your brain without warrant. Without warning. Without reason. It just happens. You cannot control it. You do not choose to think it. The reason they are labeled intrusive or invasive is because they are usually dark or scary thoughts. Some can be violent. They can be self-harmful, or harmful of others. Some can even be sexual in nature. They can make you feel guilty, or ashamed. They can make you feel sick to your stomach. They are usually very upsetting.
There is a huge stigma that people that have these sorts of thoughts are often considered unstable or dangerous, harmful, violent, crazy/psycho, or pure evil. It’s simply not true for most people who deal with anxiety/depression and other mental illnesses. Movies and media make a lot of mental illnesses to be about bad people, or people who have undergone some sort of trauma and go nuts after the fact. Again, it’s not like that most of the time. I don’t have statistics and I’m not here to run numbers on those who suffer with their mental health. I just wish to speak from my own experience. This is a hard experience to write about - but I am again, SO HOPEFUL that someone can gain something positive out of this.
At the height of my anxiety, I had intrusive thoughts consistently. Nearly daily, sometimes multiple times a day. It would start as a fear of mine or an unpleasant, usually scary thought and then it would manifest from there. Example: My number one fear is for anything bad to ever happen to my daughter. Intrusive thought: What if you hurt your daughter? What if you were the reason something bad happened to her? Etc. Etc. Etc. Another Example: What if I got into a wreck? Intrusive thought: What if you veered into that lane and ran into another vehicle? Etc. Etc. Etc. It was like my mind would take some of my absolute worst nightmares and flipping them on me, making me the culprit. My life felt like it was in a tailspin. Hurdling at an alarming rate into black hole I could not escape from. I was absolutely scared to death. I was scared to be alone or to do anything by myself. AK and I would spend the night at my parents each time that Cameron had to stay overnight at the fire station. To be alone with my thoughts was pure hell. I would call “PG” sobbing into the phone. I thought I was completely crazy. I would sob to my husband, to my parents, to my sisters, and to my nana. I was ashamed. It made me question what type of person I was. Am I evil? The answer is no. I am not.
With changes in my medication + added therapy, I feel so much better and am better able to manage unpleasant thoughts. Now… I was on medication and did therapy before this got so bad, so why the sudden change? It could be a million different things, but I think the best explanation is that between changes in my body chemistry and changes in my dose of medicine along with preexisting anxiety and depression- it created the “perfect storm”. I am almost 30 (sigh), and I’ve had a child. My body chemistry isn’t the same as it was 4 years ago or even 1 year ago. Your body changes and that means sometimes our medicines are not as effective as they once were. Upon coming off one antidepressant and introducing another (even with much precaution taken by my doctors), this is when I was at my worst. It took a while to get things situated to where I could begin to feel comfortable again. By a while, I mean a couple of months at least. And that was just to feel halfway normal. It took a couple more months before I felt strong enough to stay at my house alone again.
There are some things that I have been given to help if these thoughts occur, and they have truly made a difference in my life.
Thoughts are just thoughts. Nothing more, nothing less.
Although we cannot control the thoughts we may have, we can control how we react to them. I do not have to be afraid.
Try to imagine a thought popping into your head. You don’t like it so you smash it with a hammer. More thoughts come and you’re essentially playing “whack-a-mole”. This leaves you exhausted not only mentally, but emotionally too. Instead of hitting every thought you dislike with a hammer, try sweeping it away with a feather. It pops in, you don’t like it, swish, it’s gone. You don’t have to think or react aggressively to be effective.
Find support if you need it. Don’t be afraid of judgement. Get help!
Sometimes physically saying your thought aloud or writing it out takes away the power behind it. If it doesn’t hold power over you, then its meaningless.
Your brain is powerful enough to create these random thoughts whether we like it or not. BUT, we are strong enough to overcome.
Inner strength is a real thing. You need to condition your mind just like you would exercise your muscles. Think positively. Be positive. It will strengthen you!
You are never alone. Whether it’s a friend, a family member, a counselor or therapist - or me. I will listen. You don’t have to battle silently.
There is power in prayer. If you need help, pray. If you are scared, pray. Cry out to Jesus when you need Him. ( Psalms 34:17-18 - “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” )
Courage is doing the uncomfortable. Courage is doing what’s hard. Sometimes life is uncomfortable and hard, but you are courageous to press on even when you are scared or miserable. You are courageous in having hope that something better will come out of your situation.
I feel like this maybe could have used a part 1 and part 2 because it’s so long… I apologize for that! Now that I’ve given you all my entire pile of dirt… do something productive with it. If you suffer with intrusive thoughts, know that you aren’t crazy. If you know someone who deals with intrusive thoughts, be their soundboard. Listen to them and love them through their ordeal. It’s a phase of life. It’s not permanent. It does get better. I am living proof. Feel free to reach me if ever you want to talk or need more info on this.
All of my love and a ball of mixed emotions… Alexis