Post-Partum and all that Jazz
First off, I want to say thank you to everyone who has been taking the time to read these things. A lot of you keep saying “You’re so brave for sharing” and stuff like that – I do appreciate the encouragement, but I am not being brave. I am simply sharing my life/experiences/thoughts/ blah blah blah/ in hopes to help someone else.
When I asked what you might want to see topics about on my Instagram poll, you guys gave me a ton of good ideas! A reoccurring one was post-partum and/or handling anxiety with a newborn or being a new mom with anxiety. I will be doing all the topics so if you are not interested in this one, or it doesn’t pertain to you, I’ll get to the next one as soon as I can and they will all eventually be talked about, promise!
Leading into my pregnancy I was elated. Cameron and I struggled for two years to get pregnant. I was diagnosed with PCOS or Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome. This makes it difficult to ovulate, therefor exceedingly difficult to get pregnant. It is funny to think though, you spend your teen years trying not to get pregnant, and then when you want it so bad it seems unattainable. ANYWHO, so I found out I was pregnant and although I had some built up nerves about the obvious things like delivery and what not, I was so happy that my anxiety seemed to stay “at bay” for those 9 months. Per my primary care doctor and my OB/GYN, I could stay on my low dose of Celexa (I am no longer on this- not that it matters) – it was working for me and the positives of staying on my medication far outweighed the negatives.
January 27th, 2016 at 4:20pm – I delivered the most beautiful, healthy, bright-eyed, glowing baby girl I had ever laid eyes on. Anna Kate Presley Ganous – 6lbs 9oz; 19 inches long. When the doctor handed her to me, I was overcome with emotion and started sobbing. It was the moment I had been waiting for. My time to be a mother. And my baby was here.
Then ISH got real. After an hour or so, our family got to trickle in and out to meet our baby girl for the first time and I just remember all of a sudden my mind, my thoughts, my brain were all working in real time, but my tongue, my hands, my feet all felt like they were moving in slow motion. My tongue felt thick and it was hard to swallow or talk. Then I began getting upset and I was panicking. Difficulty breathing, sweating, the whole nine yards. The nurses checked me, nothing was wrong, so they dismissed it quickly. When it was time to wheel me into my own room, I felt like I could not hold my baby while I was being wheeled down the hall. I remember feeling guilty and being upset but I was afraid to. I was afraid that I would drop her. That my body was not stable enough to do that simple thing. So, the nurses wheeled me, and my mom and husband wheeled Anna Kate to the room.
Over the next 2 days in the hospital, I was EXHAUSTED (as any new mother is) and I was having panic attack after panic attack. I woke up freezing and within minutes, I was sweating through my clothes. I was shaking uncontrollably, my legs literally bouncing up and down in the bed. The nurse put it off to “getting the shakes when your milk comes in” which I was still waiting to happen. It was my own personal hell. I was scared, scared that something was wrong with me, scared that I would accidentally drop my daughter. Feeling guilty for not wanting to hold her and sobbing because this was my miracle baby I had prayed for and I could not even enjoy this time. I felt ungrateful. I felt alone. I even felt judged to some degree. To make things even worse, Anna Kate was cluster feeding, to where she would try and nurse for an hour or so at a time every couple of hours and I was not producing enough milk to feed her. She cried, I cried, we all cried. My nipples felt like they were being ripped off. I was miserable and tired. My lady parts hurt. (Trying to keep it tasteful here) All of them. Top and bottom. And I had not even gone home yet.
Fast forward – my mom ended up staying with Cameron and I for like a month. After four days of trying to breastfeed I gave up. I felt like a complete loser but switching to formula was a godsend in my case. I felt like I could not function for a while. The panic attacks had started to wear down, but the depression and overwhelming gloominess had set in. I was still exhausted. I was still afraid to be left alone. I would do nighttime feedings and Cameron would do early morning feedings. I just still felt so off and so afraid I was going to screw something up. The “what if’s” like: would I be one of those people who hurt their baby? My doctor ended up upping my dosage of Celexa and it took a few weeks but eventually started to help. Things became more normal, but it took several months to feel “okay” again. I do not have a special remedy to it, I do not know the answers, but Lord knows it sucked for me. The great news is, I made it. I survived it and you can too. For the new mama’s here are some tips and advice I wish I would have had… If you have already been through this, then maybe you remember that you just wished you had someone to talk with or to comfort you. Even if you are not a new mom, you can be a good friend and reach out to someone else who is going through this.
A couple weeks post-partum with Anna Kate.
Do not be afraid to ask for help.
Do not be afraid to ask for someone to stay with you.
Do not feel that you must do everything yourself.
If you cannot breastfeed, who cares? Your baby doesn’t.
It is okay to take a nap.
If you can start a schedule, do it. If you are not schedule oriented, normalcy will come in time.
Sometimes a girl just needs her mom. If you no longer have a mother, or have a strained relationship, or maybe just a long-distance relationship with family, have someone you love, and trust check in or stay with you if need be. A best friend, or a confidant.
Let people bring you food. Let people run your laundry. Just let people help. They want to.
Let your husband help – yes you are a new mom, but he likely needs to feel wanted also. He wants to experience things just as much as you want him to help. Win, Win.
Try to find the beauty in the small things. You know, like a hot shower by yourself. Or maybe your socks and shoes fit again. Or watching your parents become grandparents. Or witnessing how precious new life truly is, that God created you, who loved someone else enough to create another someone. It is amazing.
Always try to remember that it could be worse. Be grateful for that new baby because another woman may not be able to have a baby, or maybe she lost her baby. Life is precious do not take it for granted.
As tough as the hormones/feelings/thoughts are, you are not a prisoner to them – you can be helped, but you must also try. Any good thing does not come easy.
I am sure there are a million other things I could say about my personal experience, but we do not have time for all that. Just know that SOOO MANY women go through this. You do not have to suffer alone through post-partum. Do not compare yourself to other moms. They are having their fair share of struggles, I assure you. You know how social media and all that works… we simply put out what we want someone to see and think of us.
To finish – be kind to new moms. New moms be kind to yourself. Give yourself time to adjust and do not let others dictate what and how you do things. You can do this!
Much Love…
Alexis